Molesworth Read online

  I haven’t tried to convey the hilarity of Willans and Searle in full flight, because their jokes are too various and brilliant to be put into categories, and because anyone trying to write about the inexplicable moments when one has to lay down Down with Skool! and cry with laughter at Molesworth, being let down into Divinity in the guise of an angel will inevitably resort to repeating the joke, verbatim, and, in extreme cases of obsession, describing the drawing which accompanies the scene. Many people, writing about Molesworth, have found it difficult to resist a pastiche of his inimitable style, and always come a cropper. I am just going to say, ‘I am not worthy.’ Before genius on this scale, it is as well for the critic to abase himself, and, like most readers of these remarkable books, limit himself to the recognition that, from the moment he first read them to the end of his life, he could never again, alone in the bathroom, smooth down his hair, finish his toilette, without looking at himself and, like Molesworth, exult in the pleasure of saying ‘Gaze in miror at yore strange unatural beauty.’

  Philip Hensher

  DOWN WITH SKOOL!

  A guide to school life for tiny pupils and their parents

  WRITTEN BY

  Geoffrey Willans

  ILLUSTRATED BY

  Ronald Searle

  Contanes

  FULL LOWDOWN ON SKOOLS, SWOTS, SNEKES CADS, PRIGS BULIES HEADMASTERS CRIKET FOOPBALL, DIRTY ROTERS FUNKS, PARENTS, MASTERS WIZARD WHEEZES, WEEDS APLE PIE BEDS AND VARIOUS OTHER CHIZZES — IN FACT

  THE LOT

  Contents

  ‘O.K. COME IN’

  ST CUSTARD’S: BY THE CAMERA CLUB

  1 HEAD BEAKS AT BAY

  From Beak to Tail

  Kanes I Have Known by N. Molesworth

  Two Short Speeches for Headmasters

  1. Beginning of Term

  2. Prize-Giving at the School Sports

  More Chizzes about Headmasters

  A Few Headmasters

  2 BOO TO SIR or ARE MASTERS NESESSESSARY?

  All masters are weeds and love the Kane—Warning: some masters are keen—Masters are swankpots—Masters are sloppy and like gurls.

  Know the Enemy or Masters at a Glance

  3 A TOUR OF THE CAGES or MASTERS ONE BY ONE

  1. English Masters

  Peotry—The Brook—Literrary Corner

  2. Latin Masters

  3. French Masters

  4. Maths Masters

  Scenes in the life of Pythagoras useful for conversations at luncheon with maths masters

  5. Singing Masters

  Table of Grips and Tortures for Masters

  4 LESSONS AND HOW TO AVOID THEM

  1. Botany

  Fragrant Leaves from My Botany Book

  2. History

  Untold History

  3. Science

  The Molesworth-Peason Lines Machine

  4. Divinity

  5. Geography

  End of Term Geog paper with answers

  6. General Knowledge

  How to Succeed with Masters

  Flight of the Ink Dart

  5 IN LOCO PARENTIS

  Skool Prospectus

  An Ideal Setting—A Corner of the Playing Fields—A Peep into Matron’s Room—Academic—The Football Team

  Visiting the Skool

  6 HOW TO TORTURE PARENTS

  Skool plays displays bunfights and jamborees—Country Dancing—Assembly of the Wizzo Space Ship—Reading Aloud

  Parents at a Glance

  7 SKOOL FOOD or THE PIECE OF COD WHICH PASSETH UNDERSTANDING

  1. Etiqutte

  2. A Nightmare: The Revolt of the Prunes

  Curtain Speech

  ‘O.K. Come In.’

  This is me e.g. nigel molesworth the curse of st custard’s which is the skool i am at. It is uterly wet and weedy as i shall (i hope) make clear but of course that is the same with all skools.

  e.g. they are nothing but kanes, lat. french. geog. hist. algy, geom, headmasters, skool dogs, skool sossages, my bro molesworth 2 and MASTERS everywhere.

  The only good things about skool are the BOYS wizz who are noble brave fearless etc. although you hav various swots, bulies, cissies, milksops greedy guts and oiks with whom i am forced to mingle hem-hem.

  In fact any skool is a bit of a shambles

  AS YOU WILL SEE.

  ST CUSTARD’S: BY THE CAMERA CLUB

  A few unhappy snaps from the Molesworth album

  this is st custard’s our skool taken with my brownie but i made a bit of a bish and didn’t get it all in. Anyway what i hav got in is probably quite enuff. That is the front door in front but you can’t get in since the boys nailed it up you hav to go in somewhere behind which fortunately you can’t see as it is most unsavoury. On the right is the fire escape which props up the skool i think or the skool props it up i am not sure. It is good to get out by at night but if there is a fire it is quicker to use that drane pipe. It is still quicker to jump out but in my case they might take the blanket away chiz.*

  This is the east wing. St custard’s hav a very interesting history if you are interested in hist which few boys are. It was built by a madman in 1836 and he made a few improvements before he was put in the bin e.g. the observatory to study worms, the fortifications to pot at gamekeepers and that round thing which hav no use at all.

  it is a wonder this one didn’t bust the cammera it is peason, he is my grate frend which means we touough each other up continually. Acktually he not bad tho we argue a lot saying am not am not am not am etc until we are called on to tuough up a few junior ticks.

  This is gillibrand on the high diving board and we all sa go it go it. His pater is a general so he is not very brany you can’t expect it n.b he came down off the diving board after this he said he could do it any time pappy but did not feel like it toda chiz.

  grabber who is head of the skool captane of everything and winer of the mrs joyful prize for rafia work. His pater is very rich and hav a super rolls enuff said. He is bigger than me so i must be careful.

  Our skool dog thinking. He is planning to dash across the pitch and pinch the criket ball then bite the umpire in the leg which was super. He is not bad but he scored a gole against us in one match.

  fotherington-tomas. As you see he is skipping like a girlie he is uterly wet and a sissy. He reads chaterbox chiz and we suspeckt that he kepes dollies at home. Anyway his favourite charakter is little lord fauntleroy and when i sa he hav a face like a tomato he repli i forgive you molesworth for those uncouth words.

  Gosh chiz this is molesworth 2 my bro he is uterly wet and a weed it panes me to think i am of the same blud. He is always eating and cheeks everybode. You kno when fotherington tomas sa there are fairies at the bottom of his garden molesworth 2 sa there is a dirty old rubbish heap at the bottom of his then zoom away dive bombing sparows worms the skool dog and other poor dumb creatures. i diskard him.

  Of course there are a grate number of other weeds and wets about the place but i hope this will give you some idea of st. custard’s which with all the other skools will explane why britain is what it is toda. There is nothing more to add about st custard’s except that it smell of chalk latin books skool ink foopball boots and birdseed. Now read on.

  1

  HEAD BEAKS AT BAY

  FROM BEAK TO TAIL

  Headmasters are always very ferce and keep thousands of KANES chiz moan drone. With these they hound and persecute all boys who are super like sir galahad.

  Headmasters are always very proud of their skools and think they are the best in the world in britain in space or at any rate better than the nearest one in the districk. They sa ‘Ah ahem to tell the truth the boys are ahem ahem not er quite in fact just not the type we want.’ A fine thing to sa with me around i must sa.

  Second to swots headmasters like boys who are good at foopball and shoot goals then they can shout ‘Pile in caruthers strate for goal’ or other weedy things from the touchline.

  Personally i am not good at foopb
all i just concentrate on hacking everbode. Headmaster yell at me he sa MARK YOUR MAN MOLESWORTH ONE what does he think i am the arsenal chiz. Acktually fotherington-tomas is worse than me he is goalie and spend his time skipping about he sa Hullo clouds hullo sky hullo sun etc when huge centre forward bearing down on him and SHOT whistles past his nose. When all the team sa you should hav stoped it fotherington-tomas he repli ‘I simply don’t care a row of buttons whether it was a goal or not nature alone is beattful.’

  i do not think he will catch the selectors eye.

  Every headmaster hav a study or sitting room with easy chair for boys to bend over in fact it is not so much the kaning we object to it is the smell of the cushions and all that fluff down there. Peason sa he once found 2/6 in the lining but i expect that was a woper he always tells them.

  Otherwise there is a bookshelf to stare at when geting pi-jaw about why you are being kaned. We hav Comentary on bible (six vols) gone with the wind, Ruff’s guide to the turf and Rider of Murder Range confiscated three years ago which headmasters wife thort was wonderful.

  Once i try wizard wheeze to put a curl inside trousis then it will break the kane.

  Tiptoe shuffle shuffle zoom down on fotherington-tomas and shave his curly locks. While he blub i stuff the locks inside my trousis.

  Go to study. Kane descend whack gosh oo gosh oo gosh and hares fly out like H-bomb xplosion. Kane undamaged so it is not such a wizard wheeze after all but Headmaster gets a piece of his wife’s mind (making mess after maids hav been in). So BOYS triumphant agane WIZZ.

  Kane descend whack gosh oo gosh oo gosh.

  Kanes I Have Known by N. Molesworth

  1. ‘Old Faithful’. Whippy, no ferrule, ‘palm-tree’ ends. Can be thrown for dogs to fetch in the holidays.

  2. The ‘Nonpliant’ or ‘Rigid’ with silencer attachment to drown victims cries.

  3. ‘Creaker’ or split-seam. For use by ‘hurt-me-more-than-it-hurts-you’ kaners.

  4. The first weapon he can lay hands on.

  5. The ‘Caber’, Scotch-type for senior boys.

  6. The hair-fine specialists kane for marksmen. Fitted with telescopic sights and range finder.

  TWO SHORT SPEECHES FOR HEADMASTERS

  TOGETHER WITH THE MOLESWORTH CRIB TO REEL THORTS

  1. BEGINNING OF TERM

  Clang clang bell All sour-faced boys xsemblin skool hall. HEADMASTER: (with cheerful smile) hullo basil hullo timothy hullo john did you hav a good hols?1 How is your dear mother?2

  (to all more cheerful than ever)

  We hav twelve weeks ahead of us and i want you to cram3 as much aktivity into them as you can in work and pla. This term we hav a new head of the skool grabber ma.4 (Claps noone join in) You all kno the vetrues we prize most loyalty and good influence.5

  We expect grate things at foopball this term, grabber ma6 is captain. We shall be a young side but do not forget david and goliath (hearty larff) a good little ’un is better than a good big ’un (fits of larffter) a terrier can worry a st bernard. (he is going to die it is not good for him to larff so much) 7

  But perhaps grabber ma does not agree with that? 8

  I should like to introduce a new master who hav joined us in place of mr blenkin-sop who left sudenly.9 i feel sure he will fill the place ocupied by his predecessor.10…

  etc etc until the bell ring for coco.

  CRIB TO REEL THORTS

  (N. molesworth knos all)

  1. So they are back agane the little beasts.

  2. As if i cared give me young mrs filips every time.

  3. All they will cram is my food and tuck.

  4. His father a millionaire enuff said.

  5. Hem-hem hav to sa that sort of thing you kno.

  6. Make him head of anything for the usual amount.

  7. Wot a ham performance i’m giving.

  8. He’d better or else.

  9. who would hav thort it he semed so nice.

  10. not too fathefully i sincerely hope.

  A headmaster’s study with layout of the runways

  ANOTHER SPEECH

  2. PRIZE-GIVING AT THE SCHOOL SPORTS

  HEADMASTER: (tucking M.C.C. tie over his clean dicky) i should like to say how much my wife and i appreciate the grand turn-out of parents.1

  i am sory all the boys could not win a race but it is the sporting spirit which counts most.2 i am happy to be able to tell you from matron that gillibrand 2 who fell on his nose in the sack race is not severely hurt.3

  Each year it is my privilege to introduce the charming lade who give away the criket bats balls spoons cups etc.4 3 years ago it was the Duchess of Dabley, the following year Lady Hogtale, last year we were honoured by Royalty, and this year i am delited to sa a few words about another charming lade, as young as she is attractive – mrs grabber.5

  (Headmaster beams and claps loud cheers and yells.)

  It is all the grater pleasure as grabber ma hav won all the races and is victor ludorum.6 mrs grabber herself i think you will all agree showed where her sons talent came from in the parents potato race.7

  Therfore i welcome mrs grabber and thank her for performing this task.8

  (A courtly bow, vast cheers, for she’s a joly good felow etc. mrs grabber rises and begins speech: ‘Cor strike a lite i never made a speech in me life.…’)

  CRIB TO THORTS

  1. They hav eaten 29000 mackaroons and 5034 eclares. Wot do they think i am U.N.R.A.?

  2. Only coshing from behind alowed in the obstacle race.

  3. Pity.

  4. Lucky i got ’em back from the pornbroker hem-hem.

  5. If that isn’t good for a few thousand in the endowment fund i don’t kno wot will.

  6. For the ushual pament. They call me nero always fiddling.

  7. How long can I go on with this?

  8. Deep breath. Now for it.

  A GAUL marching into Italy.

  MORE CHIZZES ABOUT HEADMASTERS

  It is a funy thing but headmasters are always very keen on conferences comittees etc when they discuss how to educate boys chiz tho it does not seme to make much diference we are all IGNORANT cheers cheers cheers and do not kno the pluperfect of moneo i am glad to sa.

  Another funy thing is that conferences always on same day as oxford and cambridge, test match wimbledon, rugby international or something of that sort. Coincidence? Anyway skool much more peaceful masters slepe in the sunshine boys stretch benethe tropic palms skool dog bites everbode when headmasters away so boo and snubs.

  Headmasters all work v. hard. (See plan below)

  TIMTABLE OF DAY

  0700.

  Jump out of bed singing cheerfull songs chase the matron round the dorms pull sheets off masters beds rout out all boys to wash basins freeze freeze.

  0710.

  Chase out all boys who hav climbed back into bed.

  0730.

  Drive boys matron and masters into brekfast. eat wot the good lord hav provided as if truly thankful.

  0736.

  Greet wife with luving kiss.

  0736.00001.

  Stop greeting wife wipe moustache and eat more hadock.

  0900.

  Drive boys and masters into class. Lock them in. Take latin class qui quaue quod stoke boiler peel potatoes more latin quibus quibus quibus rush out to garden to pick sprouts mend punkture and answer leters.

  1000.

  Break. Milk buns boys for the kane.

  1015.

  Drive in boys and masters agane lay table clean silver feed hens teach 3A more latin. Romans v benevenuti. Treble chance pool forum packed.

  1300.

  lunch stew and prunes. eat with relish.

  1330.

  eat secret lunch smoked salmon duck green peas strubres and cream.

  1430.

  Flay boys and masters from changing room to foopball field. coach boys remove corpses blow up foopball mend net. Demonstrate how to head ball. Fall stunned. Wake up in time to beat boys and masters back to chan
ge.

  1600.

  More latin. Benevenuti playing at home sla romans with spears and arows from ditches and ramparts. Wizz! About time romans got some new players put Caesar on the transfer list Aurelius inside-right and Remus into gole.

  1800.

  Tea bred and scrape.

  1830.

  Eat second tea meringues eclairs honey and sossages. Flog boys to bed. Chase matron round dorm. Lock masters in cells.

  1930.

  BEER!

  2000.

  Frugal super haunch of venison or rosted ox folowed by soup partridge wine jely and trifle. Push stale bred into masters cells. Prowl round dorm and kane raggers. Confiskate dormy feast and eat same.

  2100.

  Latin corections with left hand xxxxxxx xxxxxx do pools with the other xxoooo xxxxxx.

  2200.

  Snore.

  A Few Headmasters

  Mr Wesson thinks it’s the ballcock, Mrs Gordon thinks it’s the shuttle pan. But I think it’s you boys in fact I’m sure of it.