Molesworth Read online

  Enter a flunky.

  Your uncles are outside, sir.

  Uncles! wot a bore. But they canot be a worse bore than the television. Let them be admitted.

  Enter sixteen uncles with bald heads and spectacles.

  UNCLES (in chorus): How big you hav grown, nigel, since we last saw you.

  NIGEL: Of course i hav grown biger you didn’t expect me to grow smaler did you clots. Besides, I do not think you reely care.

  UNCLES: You will soon be as tall as us.

  NIGEL: If i canot grow taler than that i will give up.

  (He peels a banana).

  Proceed.

  UNCLES: If we all bend down we can give you a piggy back.

  NIGEL: You think we boys like that don’t you? You think it makes you appere joly. You will offer to pla criket with us now, I supose?

  UNCLES (eagerly): Yes yes. If you bowl at us on the lawn we will show off by hitting the first ball for 6 and loossing it.

  NIGEL: As ushual. That is a grate joke?

  UNCLES: Yes, yes. To amuse you further we will vault a 5 bar gate or –

  NIGEL (shudering): That is enuff. Hav you all got your halfcrowns eh? There is no need to sa here is something for your money box. Just put them in my hat when you go out.

  UNCLES: We will (winking roguishly). But before that we must pat you on the head.

  NIGEL: NO. no. I will take the will for the deed. And make it five bob next time – the cost of living is going up.

  (Exit uncles all wishing they were young agane and rightly too.)

  GRANDMOTHERS

  Grandmothers are all very strikt and they all sa the same thing as they smile swetely over their gin and orange.

  It is a grandmother’s privilege to spoil her grandchildren GET OFF THAT SOFA NIGEL YOU WILL BRAKE IT.

  Grandmothers are very tuough when you get them in a bate so it is beter not to zoom about among the dresden china or direct space bombs at the best tea set.

  You ushually get parked on grans when your mater can stand you no longer or go abroad to winter sports (such a change from the kitchen). So you get left behind it might just as well be with jack the ripper for all they care.

  Aktually grans are not bad. Gran you kno our gran is a wonderful old lade hem-hem she made munitions during the war and was also a lade porter. Now she fly round the world in comets stiring up trouble so pop sa and beating black men on the head. Pop sa why bother about an atomic bomb if you can drop gran over rusia. She would soon tell them how to manage their affairs e.g. you simply can’t be a communist, mr malenkov. That’s quite beyond the pale.

  All grans show boys the tower of london and Westminster abbey and think it so amusing when molesworth 2 sa ‘So what?’ when told that the crown jewels are worth five trillion pounds. After that they take you to st. pauls science museum national galery madam tussauds statue of peter pan buckingham palace and wonder why their feet hurt. Mine were simply Killing me, my dear. Madam tussauds is not bad as gran sa there is a man who murded 3 people. molesworth 2 sa thats nothing i hav done 5 already he is a swank and a wet.

  One chiz about gran is that she hound and persekute all shopkeepers. She take you along and you hav to listen while she send for the manager. She sa i have dealt here for 30 years why can you not deliver on tuesdays ect while i try to pretend i am not there chiz also the gorgonzola is not wot it was. Personaly i think no gorgonzola is worth sending for the manager for but it must be diferent i supose when you are 723.

  A GUIDE TO AUNTS

  Aunts are not bad but they are inclined to be sopy and call you darling chiz chiz chiz. Also you are just like your mater or your pater whichever hapen to be the planer. Aunts ask you how you are geting on at skool and you sa o all right may you be forgiven. Then they ask you to read to them. There is only one thing to do for aunts when they ask this e.g. take out Domby and Son and give them the LOT.

  Of course you know, children, what their Uncle did to the two little Princes in the Tower

  11

  DING-DONG FARELY MERILY

  FOR XMAS

  Xmas all grown ups sa is the season for the kiddies but this do not prevent them from taking a tot or 2 from the bot and having, it may seme, a beter time than us. For children in fact Xmas is often a bit of a strane wot with pretending that everything is a surprise. Above all father xmas is a strane. You canot so much as mention that there is no father xmas when some grown-up sa Hush not in front of wee tim. So far as i am concerned if father xmas use langwage like that when he tripped over the bolster last time we had beter get a replacement.

  CHRISTMAS EVE

  Hurra for Xmas Eve wot a scurrying there was in the molesworth household. First of all mr molesworth issued jovially with the hamer to hang the decorations – red white purple streemers holly mistletoe lights candles snow Mery Xmas All: mrs molesworth is in the kitchen with the mince pies, all rosy and shining: and judge of the excitement of the 2 boys!

  In fact, it is a proper SHAMBLES.

  Pop drop the hamer on the cat in the kitchen the xmas puding xplode with a huge crash and the cat spring up the curtains. Outside the sno lie deep and crisp and ect. and just as pop fall off the steplader the WATES arive.

  WATES are 3 litle gurls with a torch who go as folows:

  HEE HEE HEE NOEL NOEL GO ON GURT

  NO-ELL NO-ELL NO YOU RING the KING of

  IS-RAY-ER-ELL.

  PING! PING!

  TANNER FOR THE WATES, PLEASE.

  This of course is money for jam but grown ups are so intoxicated with xmas they produce a shiling. Imagine a whole weeks poket money just for that when you can get it all on the wireless anyway if you want it. Or whether you want it or not.

  molesworth 2 is very amusing about carols i must sa he hav a famous carol

  While shepherds washed their socks by night

  All seated on the ground

  A bar of sunlight soap came down ect.

  He think this is so funy he roar with larffter whenever he think of it and as he spend most of the night thinking of it i do not get much slepe chiz. i sa SHUTUP molesworth 2 SHUTUP i want to go to slepe but in vain the horid zany go cakling on. It is not as if it is funy i mean a bar of sunlight soap ha-ha well it is not ha-ha-ha-ha a bar of ha-ha-ha-ha . . . . . .

  Oh well.

  Another thing about xmas eve is that your pater always reads the xmas carol by c. dickens. You canot stop this aktualy although he pretend to ask you whether you would like it. He sa:

  Would you like me to read the xmas carol as it is xmas eve, boys?

  We are listening to the space serial on the wireless, daddy.

  But you canot prefer that nonsense to the classick c. dickens?

  Be quiet. He is out of control and heading for jupiter.

  Noel noel go on gurt you ring

  But –

  He’s had it the treen space ships are ataking him ur-ur-ur-whoosh. Out of control limping in the space vacuum for evermore unless they can get the gastric fuel compressor tampons open.

  I –

  Why don’t they try Earth on the intercom? They will never open those tampons with only a z-ray griper. They will –

  Father thwarted strike both boys heavily with loaded xmas stoking and tie their hands behind their backs. He cart them senseless into the sitting room and prop both on his knees. Then he begin:

  THE XMAS CAROL by C. DICKENS

  (published by grabber and grabber)

  Then he rub hands together and sa You will enjoy this boys it is all about ghosts and goodwill. It is tip-top stuff and there is an old man called scrooge who hates xmas and canot understand why everyone is so mery. To this you sa nothing except that scrooge is your favourite character in fiction next to tarzan of the apes. But you can sa anything chiz. Nothing in the world in space is ever going to stop those fatal words:

  Marley was dead

  Personaly i do not care a d. whether Marley was dead or not it is just that there is something about the xmas Carol which makes paters
and grown-ups read with grate XPRESION, and this is very embarassing for all. It is all right for the first part they just roll the r’s a lot but wate till they come to scrooge’s nephew. When he sa Mery Christmas uncle it is like an H-bomb xplosion and so it go on until you get to Tiny Tim chiz chiz chiz he is a weed. When Tiny Tim sa God bless us every one your pater is so overcome he burst out blubbing. By this time boys hav bitten through their ropes and make good their escape so 9000000000 boos to bob cratchit.

  XMAS NITE

  At last the tiny felows are tucked up snug in their beds with 3 pilow slips awaiting santa claus. As the lite go off a horid doubt assale the mind e.g. suposing there is a santa claus. Zoom about and lay a few traps for him (see picture)

  Determin to lie awake and get him but go to slepe in the end chiz and dream of space ships. While thus employed something do seem to be hapning among the earthmen.

  CRASH!

  Be quiet you will wake them up. Hav you got the mecano his is the one with 3 oranges if you drop that pedal car agane i shall scream where are the spangles can you not tie a knot for heavens sake ect. ect.

  It would seem that the earthmen are up to something but you are far to busy with the treens who are defending the space palace with germ guns. So snore on, fair child, snore on with thy inocent dreams and do not get the blud all over you.

  Trap for dere Santa

  THE DAY

  Xmas day always start badly becos molesworth 2 blub he hav not got the reel rools-royce he asked for. We then hav argument that each hav more presents than the other. A Mery Xmas everybode sa scrooge in the end but we just call each other clot-faced wets so are you you you you pointing with our horny fingers it is very joly i must sa. In the end i wear molesworth 2’s cowboy suit and he pla with my air gun so all is quiet.

  Then comes DINNER.

  This is super as there are turkey crackers nuts cream plum puding jely and everything. We wash it down with a litle ginger ale but grown ups all drink wine ugh and this make all the old lades and grans very sprightly i must sa. They sa how sweet we are they must be dotty until pater raps the table and look v. solemn. He holds up his glass and sa in a low voice

  The QUEEN. Cheers cheers cheers for the queen we all drink and hurra for england.

  Then pater sa in much lower voice ABSENT FRIENDS and everyone else sa absent friends absent friends absent friends ect. and begin blubbing. In fact it do not seme that you can go far at xmas time without blubbing of some sort and when they listen to the wireless in the afternoon all about the lonely shepherd and the lighthousemen they are in floods of tears.

  Still xmas is a good time with all those presents and good food and i hope it will never die out or at any rate not until i am grown up and hav to pay for it all. So ho skip and away the next thing we shall be taken to peter pan for a treat so brace up brace up.

  The Molesworth Self-Adjusting

  Thank-You Letter

  As an after xmas wheeze n. molesworth presents his self-adjusting thank-you letter.

  Cut out hours of toil pen biting wear on elbows blotches and staring out of windows.

  Strike Out words which do not apply.

  Welcome back for the new term,

  molesworth! Welcome Back!

  WHIZZ for ATOMMS

  A guide to survival in the 20th

  century for felow pupils, their doting

  maters, pompous paters and

  any others who are interested

  Geoffrey Willans

  and

  Ronald Searle

  Contents

  Prefface

  Perlice Notise

  1 HOW TO BE A YOUNG ELIZABETHAN

  Olde Times

  Kristmas at Kurdling

  Doctor Kurdling is convinced

  An Act of Charitee

  Meanwhile. . . . .

  The Future or Oafs will be Oeufs

  Plays from Hist

  2 THE UGGLY TRUTH

  Wot hav happened so far

  Nearer and nearer crept the ghastly THING

  A Grim Subjekt

  Come on grab him by the neck

  Six-gun Molesworth

  The low, vulgar game – 10 mins 20 sees later – 5 mins 6 sees later – 20000 years later

  ‘Yep, stranger, and he’s plenty light on the trigger’

  More Culture and a Cleaner Brane

  The Peason-Molesworth atommic pile – the things of the spirit – all books which boys have to read are wrong – first clots in the moon

  3 HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE ATOMMIC AGE

  Guide to Gurls

  If we are to believe the books gurls read – real life in gurls’ skools – where all is luxury

  How to be a Goody-Goody

  A Few Tips From the Coarse

  All there is to know about horses – how to put your money on – a stroll over to the padock – they’re off!

  The Molesworth Master Meter

  The needle sa cave when a master aproach – the masters’ comon room – masters’ commando course – sir petrovitch and sir hickenhopper

  A Wizard Wheeze (the Molesworth Report on Masters)

  4 HO FOR THE HOLS

  Goodby to Skool (for a bit)

  End of term marks – the maison molesworth – the Strong Man course – gloria and hyacinth At Home

  Hee-Hee for Tee-Vee

  A New Deal for the Tinies

  Dere Little Chaps

  Sumer by the Sea

  Beneath an orange umbrela

  5 THE CRUEL HARD WORLD

  Who Will Be Wot?

  Worker No 12345/c Nye Molesworth

  Exams all through your life – a job in a factory – downing tools – strike tactics at skool – thortful work on labour relations

  Produktivity in Skool

  At speshul sacrifice!!

  Prefface

  Conoisuers of prose and luvers of literature hem-hem may recall that some of this hav apeared in that super smashing mag Young Elizabethan, [ADVERT]. In compiling the present volume it has been my intention insofar as it be within my poor ability – posh stuff this posh stuff go it molesworth – infarso as it be i.e. wot i want to sa is that i hav joly well tried to give others the fruits of my xperience at skool and also of the various chizzes which take place in the world outside the skool walls.

  My thanks are due to grabber for the use of his blotch, peason whose pen i pinched and the skool gardener for cleaning out the ink wells – a task which only a man with iron nerve can perform, i gratefully acknowledge the kindly help and encouragement of gillibrand, a most lively source of material ha-ha the dere little wet. molesworth 2 was just about able to read the proofs and pass the speling. You hav to get in a lord or somebody to show you mix in the right company, may i therefore mention Crosby-kershaw-Parkinson, Hon. the A.P.R., who is the absolute dregs and hav had no conection with this book at all?

  It is now my pleasure to introduce a few of the sordid felow workers who appere in this book.

  Perlice Notise

  The folowing weeds are known for their long records of crime. Many are completely desperate in every sense of the word, all the others are hopeless. All hav been known to zoom along passages at speeds of

  1 PEASON (known as the wet-weed, clot, darling timothy, that boy there ect.)

  RECORD Known to be desperate during prep, particularly when he hav been looking at the “Charge of the Light Brigade” for nearly 2 hours. A dead shot with the ink dart. From time to time uters wolfish cries.

  DISTINGUISHING MARES Several beetles drawn in ink on the left knee.

  REMARKS He is my grate frend so i hav let him off litely. He is much worse than this aktually as his mummy call him ‘darling’ and kiss his ickle-pritty face. The old gurl must be blind. Or bats. Or both.

  2 MOLESWORTH 2, MY BRO.

  RECORD His career read as a case-book for a loony-bin. He zoom about the place going ahahahahahah and pretending to be a jet bomber. Caried out the famous hit-and-run raid on the skool larder. Serve
d sentence in sick wing. Adicted to the arts. His piece “Fairy Bells” on the skool piano will never be forgoten by those who hav heard it.

  DISTINGUISHING MARKS He do not share the charm and good looks of his elder bro, molesworth 1, hem-hem. Strange that they could be related. One so fare, the other ugh!

  REMARKS Nil.

  Perlice Notise

  mach number, to jab compasses, make aple pie beds, bomb the skool dog, call each other uncouth names, smoke cigs and rob the larder of skool cheese and sossages. If sighted dial 999 or run like blazes.

  3 HEADMASTER GRIMES (alias old Stinker, diamond jack, soho sammy and Cave, here he comes)

  RECORD A monster of calous cruelty who fly into a bate at every oportunity. Known to consort with desperate carakters on the staff e.g. sigismund the mad maths master. They too hold him in fear.

  DISTINGUISHING MARKS A livid scar across the face sometimes looking like a smile, or

  REMARKS If anyone can give him 6 months the whole skool will cheer.

  4 GRABBER

  RECORD Born of very rich parents, and head of the skool. He hav won every prize, including the mrs joyful prize for rafia work. Brilliant at work. Will get a skol. Superb at games. Strikt but fare.

  DISTINGUISHING MARKS A coutenance of rare charm.

  REMARKS Recieved the sum of 5/- for writing above

  1

  HOW TO BE A

  YOUNG ELIZABETHAN

  No one kno wot to do about anything at the moment so they sa the future is in the hands of YOUTH i.e. some of the weeds you hav just seen. As if they kno wot to do about it at their age. All the same we are young elizabethans and it can’t be altered – i expect drake felt the same way. Supose we had lived then, eh? i wave my ickle pritty fairy wand, slosh peason with it and the SCENE changes into some-thing most wondrous fair hem-hem i don’t think.